I congratulate Mr. Sandwich on the press coverage that it has recieved to date but some disturbing allegations have come my way in the past day or so. I recieved a troubling call last night that went on for over 30 minutes but the upshot is that Mr. Hamilton Sandwich may not, in fact, be who he says he is! The tipster that called me indicated that he had seen Mr. Sandwich out for a jog a few days before his candidacy started (presumably to drop a few slices before the election) and that he had some mysterious red stripes on his sides. After putting up with the callers diatribe about a conspiracy amongst deli meat producers I finally hung up on the kook.

However, I couldn’t get those red stripes out of my mind as it sounded familiar and a sudden thought hit me – I went to the store and sure enough! I found BOLOGNA slices in the deli case that had red stripes on the side of the slices! From there I went to Mr. Sandwich’s website to look at his picture and I believe you can see the reddish edges on the slices. I decided to blow up the picture to see what this is all about and here is what I found:

See where that arrow is pointing? That area looks suspicously pink. I wonder if Mr. Sandwich had some work done in an attempt to hide his true identity and it didn’t come out so well. I’ve sent Mr. Sandwich several emails and he hasn’t responded. I then emailed his compaign and they replied with some hand-waving answer about Mr. Sandwich not having fingers so he can’t respond to emails. This being the case, I went looking and I found a 1997 case from Alaska (Sandwich v. State) which contains this notation: “Bologna sandwich; conviction reversed because state destroyed Ham sandwich before defense could examine” The case law is clear that there was a mysterious defendant named “Bologna Sandwich” in this case but he was sprung as the witness, a Mr. Hamilton Sandwich, was destroyed and his conviction was overturned!

I firmly believe in Candidate’s telling the truth and I call up “Mr. Hamilton Sandwich” to respond to these allegations. Ideally by submitting a sample of his slices to be tested by the state crime lab! We can’t have a convicted felon running the Commonwealth Attorney’s office. It’s just plain old horse-sense.

The City Council was presented the results of the proactive zoning enforcement trial this evening.  The long and short of it is that the number of violations found in both zoning and building inspections has gone from about a hundred to about four hundred in very short order.  This wasn’t, in my view, entirely unexpected as one is bound to find more problems if you are trying to find them instead of waiting for someone else to report them.

 

Possible solutions for the problem range all the way from doing nothing, making this a seasonal event or hiring another zoning inspector.  This matter has been referred to the land use committee to help boil down possible solutions and, if possible, build a consensus.  If you have input, here’s the place to provide it.