I have, from time to time, had a flash of insight into things. Figuring out how things "work". Few people really care how things work. They like to complain about "things" but rarely do they have the passion to grab a shovel and dig in. However, that's enough about Congress. I'm beginning to see what it is to age. For whatever it's worth, I'm 46. Some have said over the years "Youth is wasted on the young" and, while I think that's more right than wrong, I don't begrudge the young their youth as I had my bite at the apple too. I wasted tons of my youth on misguided endeavors but I don't regret it. The sum of those experiences make me what I am.
I'm beginning to experience the first signs that my, to this point, trouble-free machine is aging. I can barely read text that is smaller than 12pt and if I'm tired I can't read even that. My back aches after a hard day. My knee bothers me from time to time. Aging isn't all about pain (until that's all there is) and, while I'd like to do conditioning in the morning and training in the evening, that ain't happening. I don't recover that fast anymore. It's just a different set of challenges for a human to go through as they age. I still enjoy finding my limits physically as the sports I favor are endurance sports so 90% of that game is mental. The other half is physical (thanks Yogi). This favors the older athlete. The capacity to suffer mentally builds over time. I am, at this age, more able to ignore the screaming in my legs as I drag my carcass over a long climb. Some are born with it but most develop it. I don't begrudge the young their perfectly working bodies.
However, there is something, newly discovered (!), that I do begrudge the young: a sense of discovery in almost all things. I was in the OHS parking lot with my daughter, going over the basics of how to drive followed by the moment of truth: turning the key. The engine turns over and starts which is followed by a shriek of delight from her as the machine starts. Now that, right there and then, struck me as somewhat odd. It isn't as though this was unexpected. She, like all of us, has spent her life in cars. Not like she (or anyone reading this blog) ever depended on a horse for daily transport. (If you have, post your name in the comments and I'll steal a City coffee cup from the Council cabinet for you.)
It shouldn't seem new but it does because now she's in control. She started the jeep.
She puts the jeep in "D" and timidly hits the gas. The jeep is torquey (tork-ee) so if you're not easy on the gas, it lurches. That's the job of a jeep in low end and it delivered when she hit the gas…also followed by a bit of a gasp. Everything, all of this, new and undiscovered. That's what I begrudge the young, a discovery (although not always pleasant) around almost every turn. Adventure right in your back yard. Certainly I realized this at some level but this event crystalized my understanding of it all….
This being the case, it seems to me that as you age you have to make a choice: go farther afield for those discoveries or settle for fewer new experiences. I don't find settling for less to be an appealing choice but I also understand that there is but so far afield one can go in search of new experiences before you're cliff diving in Peru at midnight. I don't think anyone would ever accuse me of being an adrenaline junkie but I think settling for less is a bit like waiting to die. There just has to be more to it than this.
Now, it could be that I'm a bit b'twixt and b'tween. At my age, the body is still in a condition sufficient to be worked pretty hard and do ok the next day. It may require some Advil but it's minimal. I suppose that over the course of the next 10 years that I'll stop feeling the need to reach and learn to find delight simply in what I'm doing…..but I doubt it. It's a dilemma.
I do understand that there can only be so many "firsts" in one's life but it doesn't mean I have to like it.